Friday, December 21, 2012

Gluten-Free Letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

I'm going to apologize in advance for the lack of cookies at my house this year. Being celiac and all, real cookies have no place in my house, and let's be honest, if I'm springing for 'spensive gluten-free alternatives, I will be snarfing them myself. Sorry. I thought about leaving you some chocolate, but it turns out I ate all of that. It's the thought that counts, though, right?
I like to think I've been pretty good this year, relatively speaking, so I figure I'm a shoo-in for the nice list. And not to sound like an ingrate, but I've spent the past month politely declining food-based gifts from well-meaning acquaintances, and I'm growing tired of opening presents I can't have. You can only decline so many kolackies before you want to hide in the bathroom and ugly cry. My guess is there are some other celiacs out there feeling the same way, so here's a few suggestions to make their holiday merry.

1. Clearly I wish for world peace, health, goodwill, yada yada yada. But what I really want? A high-tech breadmaker. Just think of the money I'll save! No more $7 loaves of bread ... I can make my own for the bargain price of ... $6 each.

2. Since I am sure the sleigh comes equipped with a freezer, if you could snag some Udi's pizza crusts, that would be swell. They cook up crispy and light, and they fit so nicely in the freezer to grab whenever you forget you need to make dinner. Add some Classico pizza sauce and some fresh mozz, you're golden.

3. For a spa day without the pesky spa, you can confidently gift your gluten-freers with Nourish body products. They've got all sorts of lotions, body polishes and the like. They're gluten-free, organic, vegan and cruelty-free (bet the reindeer love that).

4. While we're on the topic of beauty, you can give anyone, gluten-free or otherwise, ANYTHING from Red Apple Lipstick. Seriously. Anything.

5. For celiacs in certain cities (San Fran, Des Moines, Dallas and Chicago, I'm looking at you), you can give the gift of knowledge. And swag. Lots of swag. Just pre-purchase some tickets for the Gluten & Allergy Free Expo. Makes a great stocking stuffer.

6. Hugh Jackman. Just because.

7. For those of us rocking the celiac pride (yaaaaay intestinal-based autoimmune disease!), you could order us all these shirts. Then we can get together like any well-dressed street gang and dance-fight against toast. Oh, real gangs don't dance fight? Are you telling me that what I see on Broadway isn't real?

8. RumChata. Lots and lots of RumChata.

9. All the Chocolate Chex you can fit in your sack.

10. This one's a stretch, but since you are magical and everything, maybe you could sprinkle some Santa dust on restaurant owners and chefs to make them understand what "gluten free" really is. And if they don't want to cooperate, could you just have Donner and Blitzen leave a nice, warm giftie on their stoops?

So, for me and all those other, hard-to-buy-for celiacs out there, keep this check list handy. And if you're feeling generous, maybe stuff our stockings with some Whole Foods giftcards, because this gluten-free crap ain't cheap. And if all else fails, coal is totally gluten free.



  1. Hope you got what you wanted from Santa!

    You're a talented writer (trust me, I know ---I have graded a bazillion papers in my lifetime).....and you make me smile!

    I'm woefully behind on my blog reading, so I am very late with this greeting, but "Happy Christmas and Healthy, happy New Year!" Cheers!

  2. Alissa, I just came across this (while searching for "dear santa gluten-free," what else?) and it's hilarious. Hope if Hugh didn't make it to you last year, you get your wish this time around.